Being Dad: Day -20
We could have a baby any day now
I went to bed around 11pm and it hit me - we could have a baby any day now.
This got me thinking about how tired I’m soon going to be. Then how much I love the freedom and flexibility we’ve worked hard to build into our lives.
Next came a sudden and acute panic.
“I love our life how it is,” I said to my partner.
It’s true. I love our night routine and our morning routine. I love my gym routine and my writing routine. I love going to the movies. If what they say is true, I’m about to lose all of that.
That’s only half of it, because I’ve also come to realise things about my way of being that aren’t conducive to parenthood.
My partner, a psychologist, says I’m “low reg”.
On top of that, I struggle with interruptions. Nothing can get between me and whatever I’m doing. I’m not looking up to respond to small talk, or stopping to take a phone call. It’s not personal. I usually don’t even know these things occurred.
Another thing about me, I can’t stand being held up.
Many years ago, I learned this because if my ex-partner wasn’t ready to leave for work by 7:35 am, I’d become utterly miserable, believing the traffic would be infinitely worse one minute later than it was the minute before.
From what I’ve observed, parents are perpetually late. It makes me anxious thinking about it. Plus, babies appear indifferent to their parents’ desires to finish whatever it is they’re doing, be it a beer, conversation or meal.
Thankfully, soon after all of that bubbled to the surface, it simmered down. Not because I knew I would adapt. I still don’t know how. But because, looking at my partner, I realised I was doing this with the exact right person, and that together we would be OK.
Writing these entries helped me make sense of becoming a dad. Many of the ideas and reflections in them were expanded on - and some even resolved - in my book, Becoming Dad.
Aussies, you can pre-order it here. Internationals, you can do so here.